air mata duyung

"dah empat bulan oi..
empat bulan..
empat bulan aku xnangis..
patut la kali ni PMS cm ttuuuuttttt je..
rase xsedap hati je memanjang..
sayu xtentu psal je dua tiga hari ni.."

*bg aku EMPAT bulan tu kira lamaaaa ok~~ korang akan paham kenapa.sila bace selanjutnya tuk penerangan*




bagi sesetangah org..sesetengah je ye..
apabila seseorang menitiskan air mata, die dianggap lemah..
dia dianggap mengada2..dia dianggap manja..xtahan dugaan hidup.
lebih2 lagi kalu lelaki yg menangis.."faggot!!" "lembek!!" kan?kan?

faggot ke?

tp kan..dont u feel better after crying?..

mungkin org xtau agaknya..tp aku xsalahkan dorang..mgkin sifat kurang minat membace membuatkan level general knowledge dorang lebih rendah dari yg sepatutnya..
dorang xtau kot yg bila seseorang tu menangis, die akan turut serta (asal skema sgt ayat nih?!) mengurangkan stress hormone dorang terutamanya adrenocorticotropic hormone atau nama lain die ACTH atau name lagi glamour die ialah cortisol..

lagi satu, dorang jugak mungkin xtau yg ade lah org2 pelik yg suke wat research ni, dah wat kajian..and kajian dorang mengatakan bahawa on average men (manusia sejagat) cry once every month; women cry at least five times per month especially before and during the menstrual cycle when crying can increase up to 5 times the normal rate, often without obvious reasons..jadi kalian2, lelaki2 seantero malaya, silalah paham ye..
anyway, korang pon xyah la ego sgt, nk ngis, ngis je laaaa. xdenye kitorang nk ckp korang 'faggot' ke apekebende kalu korang nangis. i personally never had such toughts..tp kalu dah kene gigit semut pon nk ngis..over la tu brader..mmg aku pggil ko faggot la cmtu..

aku ni cetanya laen sket. nk nangis depan org, mmg xleh. xkuarla air mata tu jwapnye..die xmau kuar walaupon aku pkse die kuar. mase kecik2 tu len la..
cume beberapa umat shaja dlm dunia ni yg tau, yg aku ade ritual-amat-sgt-pelik aku sendiri.
ritual aku ni lah yg membuatkan korang nmpk aku ni dari luarannye cm manusia xde masalah hidup..apekah ritual tersebut? jeng jeng jeng...

haa..aku akan buat diri aku nangis setiap mggu. tp bukan ngis sbb sedih atau hormone buat hal tak memasal. tp ni lah cara aku mereleasekan stress..mmg pelik.
mesti korang tertanya2 cane lak aku leh "buat" diri aku nangis..kan?kan?
haaa kite kene ade setting yg baekkk pnya sayuu..xsusah tuk drama queen cm aku ni nk nangis..ade byk je script and ceta2 sayu yg aku bleh produce dlm kepala aku. byk jugak lagu2 yg aku leh dgr yg leh kasi mood sayuuu~~selalu aku pilih waktu sbelom tidur tuk menjalankan aktiviti ni..haa..tp kadang2 penat gile kan, xsempat.. letak je pale atas bantal,,,,zasssss!! ...zzzzzzzzzzzzz~
jadi, ape aku wat bile aku asek xsempat? aku cari la movie2 sedeyh mane2, kasi leh nagis gak,.,haha..kepelikan melanda kan?ye mmg pelik.aku tau.

tp xtau nape.. 4 bulan ni..(dah paham kan nape 4 bulan tu kire lame? 4bulan = 16 minggu fuh lame tu!)..xde mase nk ngis. lagipon aku nk tgk bape lame leh than xngis.leh je rupenye kan.tp tu la..effectnye sudah kelihatan..aku yg sbelom ni xpernah2 PMS, diserang PMS terlampau..bad mood, rase nk cubit org je keje, rase nk jerit, rase nk tampo org laju2, rase sume bende xkene, xsedap hati.dlm erti kate laen...tak happy. oleh itu, org2 sekeliling menjadi mangsa buruan aku.
hish..ni xleh jadi ni..



cane?aku knon nk wat rekod tgk bape lame aku leh tahan xngis.tp cm membahayakan je projek ni..nnt bertambah ramai mangsa yg akan terkorban..lebam2 anak org sume kang..
hurm..tgk la dulu cane..kalu mggu depan stil rase cm nk makan budak, aku hentikan proses 'no more tears' ni..hahahaha..

survival mechanism i called it

" Honestly for me, i am at fault in regard to myself and my group mates. As said in the reflection, i have somehow lost the momentum i was having. In surgery posting, i was so enthusiastic! I would go back at 8pm or so, even if all of my friends has gone home. I would stay. I would sit by my patients’ bed, and have a chat with them, to know them better so i can do more reading and research on their problems. But somehow, along the way, i was the one who got hurt, when something happen to them. I fell apart. I was too attached. I would cry in the middle of the night, and sometime even in front of my patient and friends. After all of that, i told myself to be stronger, not to be too attached, or else I’m the one who’s going to suffer...... Thus, i became THIS. A person who only clerk the history as complete as i can for the moment, and the rest i prefer to ‘ask’ the computer. By that, i won’t see my patients suffer in front of my own two big eyes, and i won’t have to hold my tears and run to the sink to cry.

I am sorry for who i have become. I will try and change for the better."

this is what i wrote in my reflection diary for week 5.

im only half way in my third year..

and i have become the kind of doctor i have sworn not to be. heartless.

O Allah please help me through this.

i want to be the same person who wrote "and he say 'thank you'..."

the person who are so passionate and caring

help me get MYSELF back, i plead to you...

laaaa pulak!

and again, untuk acapkalinya aku meng-diagnose diri sendiri

xckup ngan lipomanye..
skang ade bruxism la pulakkk..
seb baik mild je..
the known cause of bruxism is stress..

dah lame dah actually,
i keep grinding my own teeth, not the molars, but the incisorsss..
i told my friends of it, but none know what does it mean..
nk tny prof, asek lupe..
so last week, i went to see my dentist for my regular scaling,
tny ah kat die "dr, nape sy slalu wat cani??" (smbil tunjuk ar gaya aku slalu wat tu)
die kate "oh u are unconsciously grinding ur own teeth..stress la tu..meds student"
slambe je die jwb..apekah~
jadi aku yg lahir dgn sifat curious ni pon,mentaip la "unconsciously grinding teeth" kat google..
tup tup kuar.."bruxism"

pasni ape lak??haiyaaa...

the joker

penjenayah aiskrem...

this is my joker







muahhhhhxxx!!!

al- inshirah ( 94 )

In the name of Allah, the Gracious, the Merciful.

Have We not opened for thee thy bosom,
And removed from thee thy burden
Which had well nigh broken thy back,
And We exalted thy name?
Surely there is ease after hardship.
Aye, surely there is ease after hardship.
So when thou art free, strive hard,
And to thy Lord do thou attend whole-heartedly.

- Nabi Muhammad S.A.W bersabda: “Barangsiapa membaca surah Alam Nasyrah. seperti ia mendatangi aku dan aku mengambil kesempatan maka menjadi suatu kelapangan daripadaku.”

- Barangsiapa membiasakan membaca surah Alam Nasyrah selesai mengerjakan solat fardhu, nescaya Allah permudahkan urusannya serta memudahkan segala keperluan dan dimudahkan rezekinya.

- Sesiapa yang membacanya nescaya Allah turut melapangkan dadanya serta dijauhkan daripada segala kesukaran dalam segala urusannya. Dihilangkan segala sifat kesal dan jemu, serta mendatangkan rajin dalam mengerjakan ibadat.

- Barangsiapa membaca Alam Nasyrah 9x sesudah solat fardhu nescaya Allah akan menjauhkan daripada kesempitan hidup dan dimudahkan rezeki dalam segala urusan.

sy adalah tukang tilik nasib yg berkaliber

see..i told u so..
sape yg xcaye i ckp aritu? haaaa..
dah jadi dah pon..
cepat gile kan?
kejap je kan?

tp xpe la..
i know its coming..
i was prepared for this..
this time around, im stronger
and i'll try to take it all down with a smile


ofcoz there will be a rainbow somewhere kn?

yes i have..

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands
Closed your eyes and trusted
Just trusted

Have you ever thrown a fistfull of glitter in the air
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, "I just don't care"

It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg
The sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning
The breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside

It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table
The walk before the run
The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way

to whom it may concern:

lately there few things lingers in my mind, i wanted to say it outloud but somehow something got in the way..so here goes, to whom it may concern



to u:
if aku ckp or buat pape pon, ko xkn faham ape mksud sbenar aku..wekkk..
anyway,
aku xske bile ko asek ckp diri ko bodo. ur NOT!! pick up ur self esteem where u left it and work it from there..with that u'll be whoeva u want to be and achieve want eva u want to achieve.. i believe in you..i really do and u shud too. u are a good fren anyone would want (sometimes x, ok! buat sakit aty aku je keje) .. dont give a damn of wut others think of u..you are urself..as u said, u are unique kan.. (which i obviously dont think so.,haha)
frenship last foreva..but i hope our's last longer.. :)



to aok:
aok..u know what u shud do..jgn layan die smpi die dah jauh..if aok suke die, aok ckp..if xske, ckp xske..if aok takut, unsure ke ape ke, ckp gak..make her understand..
jgn sakitkan die k wok..jgn biar die layannnnn prasaan die sorang2, terperasan sorang2..wok tau kan ape jadi kat kite dulu..jgn bagi die rase ape yg kite rase dulu..ouch ok!..oleh itu, compose urself and sila trus terang..


to org yg rase die gemuk and nk BMI die 21 yg asek xmkn smpi dah lemah2:
i tau u xbace pon blog i, tp mane la tau,terlintas ke kan..
i happy tgk korang!!..go bro..jgn lambt sgt..nnt melepas..hehe


to che'yah:
u pon dah lame xbace blog i! haha..
this is my say to you --> you dont have to be in denial ..hehe..tu i je ok..u xyah..i hope u guys happy k..n sorryyyyyy sbb slalu ehem2 u..hehe..xterkawal diri ini ye..haha..tp jelingan tajam u sgt menakutkan..aaarrrrrrr!! and oh, i rindu u actuallyyyyy..pelik x?tp mmg rindu pon nk gosipp cerite panas yg kite due je tau..hehe..


to org yg tgh workout nak besarkan badan n pectoralis, tp xkn bg i tgk:
i hope u'll find ur peace, ur happiness and the love of ur life. im sure she want u to be happy..so dont sulk and buat muke masam hari2 k.. i really hope ape yg menjarakkn korang, will be solved. i really 1000X want u guys to be happy together. seriusly.. dah lame xtgk korang gelak same2 kuat2 nk mati smbil buat lawak guling2 korang tu.. :(


to her:
u can count on me darling tp i kadang2 takut nk tny kabar u, takut u kate i sebok2 je..dont be too hard on urself..take each step with deep breath and give the world a chance to see ur smile again..scars will heal but without proper medication and care it would not..

to sape yg nk g amazing race:
sila cpt2 buat video ye, n sruh rakan anda merayu dan melutut kat boss die supaya diberi pelepasan berjoli..haha..i xsabar nk tgk tv n ckp "go! go!! laju la sket..ish ape die wat ni!! eh ikot sbelah sana laaa~~ aiyak"..hehe


and lastly .. to myself:
amboi..pndai ckp org kan..ape nk ckp kat diri sndiri??
syazzz...sila2 la:
1. cari keje part time, ko tu dah pokai paham? xpon pk la nk wat bisness pape ke..huaaaaa!! nk duitttttt..
2. beli ketip kuku..ko nk percuss org ngan kuku pjg tu ke? yg berdarah nnt tgn ko sndiri gak kan..
3. jaga hati tu yee..kang ade yg sok sek sok sek lagi nnt..be aware and be prepare ok..
4. study weyhhh...dah 4th week, satu mende pon ko xbace lagi..apekejadahnye semua ini??!!
5. diet..ish malas nk tulis..tp ko tu gemok ok..smpi lemak tu konfius dah smbil berkata "eh populasi kite ni smakin bertambah ni, cane nk kurangkan space ni?mari kite jadi lipoma jom!!"




eh mgkin anda sndiri tidak sedar yg watak2 diatas adalah diri anda..haha xpe..asalkan ape yg terbuku dlm benak aku ni, aku dpt kuarkan..tp harap maaf jika entry ini mengecilkan isipadu hati sesiape..sesungguhnye tiada terlintas di hati ini nk compresskan kati sesape..harap2 xde la yg terkecill hati ye..semua ini ikhlas dari hati..hehe..

uuhhh that hurts

ok mari tonton video clip ni..

huaa...sian gile..

jgn la anda2 mnjadi begini ..sgt kesian








kesian kan??huaaaa :'(

sent me back in time..dont!

somehow,
i got a felling..that something not-so-good is goin to happen..that it may be back to the previous condition..oh lets hope not..please dont..please..
if it does happen, i would not know how to mend myself anymore..
in the mean time, im keeping my fingger crossed..n hoping for the best.. :)
ant let the rest be in the hand of the Almighty..