survival mechanism i called it

" Honestly for me, i am at fault in regard to myself and my group mates. As said in the reflection, i have somehow lost the momentum i was having. In surgery posting, i was so enthusiastic! I would go back at 8pm or so, even if all of my friends has gone home. I would stay. I would sit by my patients’ bed, and have a chat with them, to know them better so i can do more reading and research on their problems. But somehow, along the way, i was the one who got hurt, when something happen to them. I fell apart. I was too attached. I would cry in the middle of the night, and sometime even in front of my patient and friends. After all of that, i told myself to be stronger, not to be too attached, or else I’m the one who’s going to suffer...... Thus, i became THIS. A person who only clerk the history as complete as i can for the moment, and the rest i prefer to ‘ask’ the computer. By that, i won’t see my patients suffer in front of my own two big eyes, and i won’t have to hold my tears and run to the sink to cry.

I am sorry for who i have become. I will try and change for the better."

this is what i wrote in my reflection diary for week 5.

im only half way in my third year..

and i have become the kind of doctor i have sworn not to be. heartless.

O Allah please help me through this.

i want to be the same person who wrote "and he say 'thank you'..."

the person who are so passionate and caring

help me get MYSELF back, i plead to you...